I have spent a quarter of my short lifetime busting tables to bring home the bacon. (By 'bringing home the bacon' I should point out I actually mean beer money, with the rest going to non-necessities like fuel and savings.)
It took me a year or two to realise that what I was really doing was some sort of degree in anthropology - from hard of hearing, we'll-have-the-soup oldies to overtired, we-reproduced-without-thinking-about-it-now-you-have-to-suffer-through-our-pride-and-joy's-screaming parents, I'm fairly confident I know societal prototypes and how they are likely to behave in a cafe/restaurant setting pretty well.
There is a group on Facebook called 'Working in hospitality made me hate people', and many of its posts are the sort of gripes I happily share with co-workers during a shift, or with friends in the same industry over bevvies.
I will be the first to admit that sometimes it's just me being shitty - try holding in a pee because you've got tables to order, coffees to run, food going cold on the pass AND that table of 5 only getting one lemon, lime and bitters between all need water, asap please! - and you might have walked 300 metres in the shoes of your 'cranky waitress', but I do like to consider myself a rational person, and I am more than aware that I work in a service industry.
So when I have something to gripe about, it's usually because I find it endlessly depressing to answer the same questions about whether or not we have Cafe Latte and what-does-the-meat-pizza-have-on-it and to see the same stupid types of people do the same stupid things before leaving me to clean up the mess without any gratitude (tips or otherwise).
Furthermore, that it took me this long to write a blog about it depresses me a bit as well. I've been at the end of some sort of proverbial tether, wondering how I can change the attitudes of these people to ensure their dining experiences are enjoyable while reducing occupational hazards for people like myself (mean-spirited thoughts are an OH&S issue - negativity has serious effects on productivity).
I reached the end of this tether after the umpteenth, ump-sized mother unable to control her children snatched her plate/saucer out of my hand as I was bringing it down to the table, which for the umpteenth time nearly ended in disaster - little Tommy would have worn Mummy's skinny, decaf, vanilla latte - and guess who would have been in the shit for it? So this leads me to
Rule #1 Entering dining establishment
This concept should be easy to explain. Obviously if you're not at McDonalds, this is going to be a slightly involved experience, but you shouldn't stand in the doorway looking lost and confused, because you're not a puppy and I'm not into animal rescue (as evinced by my head-to-toe black attire and apron, although some places are getting into the khaki-safari look as part of their uniform..). If you've ever eaten out, it should become apparent to you by having a look around (which may require pulling your head out of your ass) whether or not there is table service, bistro or some other such style. If not, asking someone who doesn't look like a ranger could be a safe bet though if we're clearly busy, your patience would be greatly appreciated. If we say, 'have a seat anywhere,' we mean, 'anywhere except tables with reserved signs or that need to be cleared.' I am yet to understand the magnetic appeal of the only dirty table in the restaurant, but hopefully this is an easy concept to take on board - nothing kills me more than watching people waiting to be herded to a table, logic by which I'd be able to shoo said people out at a time convenient to me.
And just to return to a small point I fear to gloss over - DON'T SIT AT THE ONLY TABLE THAT NEEDS CLEARING. If it's busy and there's a table that needs clearing, it's much better for everyone for a number of reasons (OH&S inclusive) if you speak to a member of staff and wait for a moment or two while the table is cleared. Hurried, cranky and underfed waitresses lose their shit at moments like that, but sometimes impatient customers wear the previous customer's leftovers as a result of pushiness and a lack of consideration.
Rule #2 Placing your orders
As a rule of thumb - cafes DO serve cafe lattes, and we're not in the Himalayas, though I'm pretty sure that even there they have Coke, lemon lime and bitters AND cappucinos. And I'm fairly certain a restaurant would risk small scale mobbing by overweight, middle age women who need their skim-milk mugs of cappucino to go with their big breakfast/wedges, so YES we have Coke/lemon lime and bitters, cappucinos AND skim milk.
On that note, asking for obscure items like dandelion coffee makes you look like a wanker, and a 'flat white. on skim. uh, in a mug! OH AND IT HAS TO BE DECAF' is an annoying way to place an order that I'm sure you knew you wanted to be decaf, in a mug, and on skim milk. But that might be picking nits, so onto bigger and more haranguing things.
Please, don't wave me over from the other side of the very obviously busy restaurant full of people like yourselves to tell me that 'you're ready to order!' before returning your nose to the menu, poring over every item once more, asking your friends what they're having, giggling about 'who said we were ready?!' and not letting me 'give you another moment'. That 'moment' is actually code for, 'you're not the only people in this restaurant and the last thing on my list of my priorities right now is standing over you while you ummm and ahhhh over the shitty Caesar or the subpar soup'.
Also, this isn't karaoke and nor is the menu a teleprompter - you don't need to reopen the menu to find the item to make sure you say the 'Portuguese tenderloin chicken wrap' instead of the 'chicken wrap' - I know it's in there, you do too, and if there are any ambiguities in your order, I will seek to clarify before sending it to the kitchen! (see below where I outline the importance of speaking TO your waiter/ess rather than the furniture/menus as well as the benefits of listening to an order when it's being read back to you.)
AND furthermore, for God's sake don't freaking point at an item and say 'that one' because I know you've read the menu (unless you're playing a weird game of I-don't-know-what-I-want-so-I'll-point-at-a-random-item.. an idea I don't want to entertain and fortunately have never had to), you're speaking to me so I know you're not mute and you're an adult so using your big-boy words shouldn't be a foreign concept to you. If the word is difficult to pronounce, give it a burl! This isn't high school English and your crush won't totally think you're a dork if you get it wrong or whatever.Working in an Indian restaurant helped me see that some people are REALLY insecure, and apparently waiter/esses are intimidating people who will laugh ALL UP IN YO FACE if you mispronounce 'vindaloo' or 'raita'.
Last but not least, when waitstaff read your order back to you, ye gods PLEASE listen! It's not my fault that you told the menu/table you wanted the beef nachos and weren't paying attention when I read the order back to you as 'chicken nachos' (after making a 50/50 guess, based on your mumbling, that would be so easy to change before the kitchen saw it, and the exact reason why I am reading the order back to you) so no, you can't have that order taken off your bill. I'm sorry but we don't compensate for your stupidity.
Rule #3 Receiving your orders
You're not being helpful when you grab the plate an inch of the table to put it in front of you. A portion of what you pay for what's on the plate goes toward my wage, which I earn by - guess! - putting your food on the table in front of you. Furthermore, you are unnecessarily adding an element of danger to your brunch when you snatch your long black from me as I am about to put it in front of you. The 'assist' doesn't exist in hospitality until you're asked for it (see below), and again, I am being paid (in part by you, dear customer) to place your sometimes reaaaaally hot coffee in front of you, so please just chill out and let me do that. Also, this is just rude and has only happened to me once, at a table of patrons including the first restaurateur I ever worked for no less, but grabbing a handful of fries from the bowl before it's even reached the table is incredibly poor form. They'll still be hot once I've put them on the table, and in spite of your designer finery and snobbery, you look like a twat!
To the snatch/grab/takers out there - do you recall that really valuable life lesson, being taught not to snatch?!
You're out to dine - ergo, I put the plates on the table, and I take them away! If you can't handle being a passive participant in the process, stay at home and do it all yourself! Save yourself the dollars. We are only just recovering from a crisis of the economic variety and who knows when the next crash on the pretend-money-that-you-pay-real-money-for (aka credit/stock) market will happen?
There is ONE exception to the no snatch/grab/taking rule, and that is when your fat friends are impeding me from placing the plate in front of you. Then, and only then, will I politely ask if I can pass the plate to you, in which case I hope you are paying attention!
Rule #4 The rest
If you're finished, placing your knife and fork together on your plate will send a small electric shock up my spine, alerting me to the fact you have finished your meal. If you're not finished, feel free to leave your cutlery in any fashion you desire, as long as it's on your table and not in any of your orifices. That way, I leave you enjoy your meal in peace until that little tingle finds its way to my vertebrae, when my list of priorities changes, to fit clearing your table in at the top.
And generally, it's manners from our side to ask if you've finished, and how your meals were. That is your cue as customer to give us honest answers to these questions.
Depending on the style of dining you've gone for, you may or may not have had a courtesy check not long after receiving your meals, which is the perfect moment for airing grievances with regards to your meal. Once you have licked the plate clean, there isn't a great deal we can do for you if 'the steak wasn't cooked how I asked' or 'it wasn't what I ordered.'
If there's a problem with your meal, don't eat it unless you don't want it fixed. Get a staff member's attention and rationally explain the issue - though generally speaking, 'we ordered a breakfast pizza, but we weren't exactly expecting a pizza!' isn't indicative of any rationality or sense at all.
As another example of dining faux par, the same chip-grabbing hog sent her main meal back for the reason that there was a hair in the dish. At this particular restaurant, the kitchen undertook a very high standard of food preparation and presentation so we inspected the dish to find said hair. It couldn't be seen on the dish, but in my eyes this woman had already destroyed her credibility (and from memory had her hair out) so it was a good thing she didn't want a replacement dish. She probably filled up on fries anyway.
Stacking crockery on your table is a no-no, though the same exception to the snatch/grab/taking rule exists here, because most days I leave my go-go gadget arms at home. The reason for this is that I have a very good and fail-proof system of clearing tables, and while you think you're helping me, just like people who drive Prius' think they're helping the environment, ultimately you're reducing my productivity and efficiency.
You're out to dine, so relax. If I ask for an assist, please don't ignore me. I'll ask you one or two questions while I'm bustling about the table, about meals and whether or not you need/want anything more, but apart from that, I am really not much more than a fly on the wall - if you count a fly on the wall as being a human being who is paid to do a job that is soul-destroying, repetitive and gross - case in point being the disgusting chest infection that's rendered me unmotivated to do anything except whinge in a semi-literary fashion about that which made me thus.
