So managed to be ill for the last week, which was a fun experience! I did lots of stuff. Lots of sitting in the kitchen, lots of laying in bed, lots of drinking water, lots of feeling sorry for myself, lots of thinking about study, lots of lamenting and lots of not going to the gym.
Basically I took a week off the world. And like a sook, there is a reason for that.
I failed my first ever exam.
Monday afternoon saw me locked in a bathroom stall near my classroom after class, for the first Argen-time, crying because I felt like the world was against me and I HAVE NEVER FAILED ANYTHING BEFORE AND THE TEACHER IS A FRIZZY-HAIRED MEANIE AND ARGENTINA SUCKS!
That lasted a few minutes before I realised I hadn't cried since being here for reasons of self-pity like that and also hadn't cried in a bathroom stall possibly since college or maybe even since high school and that I should stop.
So I trudged the eight blocks from uni to my bus stop feeling very sorry for myself, and hating the teacher. Because it was her, and not the language barrier, nor my last minute (but what I felt to be thoroughly comprehensive) study that gave me the cold, heartless and hard desprobaló (fail) mark.
So I was sick and spent the week indulging in a fair amount of self pity, wondering about my experience and what it would amount to in the end and whether or not I should be very stubborn and just drop this unit to spite everyone involved (myself mostly) and why aren't I the most amazing non-native Spanish speaker ever?
And I guess I never thought about the real challenge that living in another country and learning a new language is. Essentially I am rewiring my brain to speak another language while trying to form new relationships, maintain a social life in order to do so, trying out new things and trying to absorb as much culture as humanly possible while avoiding being kidnapped and people-smuggled and trying to lead a balanced and healthy life. And what I have decided about this is is that it is really freaking hard.
Not impossible, but really hard. For a very verbal person who values expression and understanding, it is very hard. Not being able to understand clearly everything that is going on around me is difficult and furthermore not being able to articulate in my usual verbose and or eloquent (yeah I said that) style is also tough. It has been a very humbling experience though and I probably have never spent so many hours in class at least appearing to be attentive and quiet.
Furthermore, not being able to assert myself or share experiences (read: talk with abandon about everything ever or complain about stuff) with the fluidity to which I am accustomed is humbling -because now it isn't that I should keep my mouth shut, it's that I have no option because it doesn't contain the words or eloquence I feel such behaviour warrants. That I don't have at my disposal myriad words, like myriad, to express myself makes me feel like a child, and also stupid that I can't express myself like my peers or even to the standard to which I am accustomed.
So I find myself listening hard to what others are saying, to try and understand the language in all of its entirety - flow, sentence construction, rhythm, accent, basically everything that is idiosyncratic - and to try and pick it up, and I guess I have never spent so much time thinking about what is being said to me and how I can respond.
So it's humbling because I feel dumb and like someone who has to relearn something they previously were very capable of doing and basically I guess my frustration with this constant challenge caught up with me and I spent a lame week being sick and doing nothing (maybe a little bit of comfort eating, but that's not a good thing so doesn't count) and beating myself up for it. Then today I was chatting with a friend from the States in a similar boat - it was his last day in Buenos Aires and we were talking about his experience here and how we both felt about the language thing after three months of living it, and he helped me see that the entire process - living, being and learning a new language - is really bloody tough!
And for this - that I will have survived the semester while avoiding kidnap and maintaining a social life in which I feel I have made some really excellent friends and met a bunch of people from all over the world - I will not beat myself up for my lack of enthusiasm for this class, retaking the test and nor will I hold ill-sentiment toward my professor for failing me.
The wealth of this experience for all of the ups and downs that have come with it is probably worth that of a failed unit and hey mo-fo! I spent a semester of my university career in another country and learned a complete new way of life and I think that's pretty bloody swell!
Now I believe all those dudes who were like, 'YOU'RE SO BRAVE' and 'EXCHANGE IS AWESOME AND NOT FOR DUDES WHO CAN'T HANDLE LIFE THROWING ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHITS AT DEM! IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE' and to whom I was like, 'sha, duh, whatevz!'
PLUS
I also feel better about failing my first ever exam. So I feel like all is well that ends in a happy revelation.
