Post/life lesson number three in as many days!

I don’t really know what’s changed to warrant such posting except that it is no longer satisfactory to lurk facebook while feeling bad that there is a world of fun to be had outside that I am ignoring while being lame and lurking facebook. That aside, also, I made a commitment to this blog and feel I ought to honour that. Blogs are good like that, I guess. You fill them with shit I bet they don’t like, ignore them for a few months and then come back and fill them with the shit you were doing while you were ignoring them AND THEY DON’T MIND. My blog hasn’t said, ‘where have you been the last few months? What makes you think that now, after this long, I want to know?’ or challenged me to a commitment I probably never could have maintained but wanted to because the idea of such a thing, while being imagined, is attractive but ultimately is probably not my style.

Anyway, in my last post I outlined a few valuable life lessons I picked up earlier this year in my preparation for, and early days of, this 'life changing' trip. And these life lessons are being brought to you by the hindsight that is at times crippling, makes me cringe and wonder how the shit I never thought that through. Possibly by putting them into writing and seeing in print a manifestation of the erroneous ways of ‘bugger it, give it a burl and let’s see how we do’ it is possible that a catalyst for change may present itself. SEGUE BECAUSE NOW LIFE LESSON NUMBER THREE IS PRESENTING ITSELF.

Life lesson number three. This lesson deals with the immense disillusionment that comes when the results of a particular endeavour don’t exactly match those projected in the original imagining.

So in the beginning, my sentiment towards my trip was a little something like this: ‘I’m young! I speak great Spanish! I like to talk to people! People will want to be my friend! I will want to be their friend! Life in a big city is going to be awesome! I am going to understand everyone! Class is going to be a breeze! Year long distinction average, here I come!’ and so on. 

Over time that sentiment changed to something like this: ‘I’m young and immature! My Spanish is shit! I am scared of everyone because of this! People don’t care that I am not from Argentina! I still want to be their friend because I am so terrified of them! Life in a big city is noisy and dirty and people hate picking up after their dogs and cab drivers love to honk their horns at all freaking hours and other motorists love to beep their horns to alert other motorists that that ambulance siren means an ambulance is on its way through the busy street and get out of the way! I don’t understand a lot of what goes on and this feeds my aversion to doing anything ever! Class kills me in a ‘I AM PANICKING THAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING BECAUSE IF I FAIL THIS UNIT I HAVE TO DO A MILLION MORE AND MY HECS DEBT WILL BE UNNECESSARILY LARGE’ kind of way! Plus, classes are pass/fail so I should be glad to pass but will feel like shit if I don’t get a kind of good grade which is another unnecessary pressure on my life!’

And thus a big cycle of anxiety, attempts at confidence and lots of red wine is in full effect and (now we are speaking passively because this may or may not be what I am experiencing but these things front better in the passive voice) you are trying to avoid the disillusionment you are feeling as a result of too high expectations with very low results but it is crushing you and no amount of disgustingly cheap booze (ARS$15 will buy you gin, of reasonably good quality, and possibly something to mix it with) will erase this and didn’t you come here to get away from that self-perpetuating cycle?

Another thing that forms part of this disillusionment - the idea of a long distance relationship with someone you have known for a week and half, is a cute one. Like, ‘I am so in love! Some cracked out metrosexual who was probably wasted made a few lucky guesses about my future one time when I worked in a bar and I should believe that this first guy I have met is the guy he said I was going to meet while adventuring overseas and fall in love with!’ 

However, the lesson inherent here is that reality is probably much less cute and will probably feed the disillusionment that keeps you in on the weekend because the idea of being around people who aren’t feeling quite so jaded sounds like a momentous task and wine is cheaper than gin and like blogs, doesn’t judge you for not wanting to be around it all the time or not being enthusiastic about life and willing to talk about pointless shit for the point of company.

Furthermore, in the beginning I probably shouldn’t have trusted this future-seeing metro man because he guessed Europe before South America, but it’s funny how we dredge up things like this to support a flimsy decision that may actually just be a fantasy. The reality is while the idea is cute, it will ultimately make you question yourself, the other person, your life, your ability to make good decisions and set in motion another cycle of FAIL AT LIFE, ADD GIN, EVERYTHING GOOD, HANGOVER, NOTHING GOOD, aka perpetuation of misery.

Also, you may be kicking yourself that you ignored those little voices in the back of your head who suggested that this isn't a good idea, for a mountain of reasons. Those little guys appear like such fun spoiling pricks but they might just be the guys who know you and know that you don't like to listen to them but that it is for this very reason you bloody ought to listen them!  

 

Because when you realise that what you had thought to be flawless in fact is actually quite flawed, and like most decisions you have made, actually deserved much more time and thought, you are in a hole of disillusionment because once again you realise your capacity to make any good decisions ever is significantly lacking and then you don’t want to be around anyone who is a) happy, b) happy and part of a couple, c) not a miserable sack of shit who is capable of feeling positivity even when they feel like balls and THEN YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOU CAN’T EVEN MANAGE THAT. 

And those little guys are having a field-day of told you so! and that's not fun for anyone. So I guess the lesson is, listen to those little guys cos they're not being pricks to be pricks. They're being pricks so you won't feel like such a sucker down the track.